Rainbow&Stars

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Around 11.20pm , she msg me whether want to go to the coffeeshop near her hse to watch world cup..haha..somehow i manage to get there at 12 .20 plus am haha moreover my father sent me .. guess my dad knows my feelings nowadays.the stress i undergo and he put trust in me..kenny and her mother was there..everything was alright..except i have a headache..thinking about things recently..also somehow feel that she neglected me..but i understand cause she gonna work , tired , have many stress and things to worri..just don wan her to worri me..stupid de me..willing to sacrifice my own time for other people ..i miss her everytime but don wan people to miss her therefore sacrifice .hai..don know y i so 2pid..when i got there times goes by and everything was alright . although i just sat beside her..somehow just feel that the distance bet me and her was alittle distant..that feeling hurts..kenny was not in a good mood and she was leaning on his shoulder to add comfort to him..i act like i saw nothing. the feeling within me is just so plain but i did not blame anyone. I know she worries for every people esp people that has a higher hierachy in her heart..therefore i just pretended. i hate this. Being not myself i just hate myself. But guess all i can do is just crake jokes and smile that nothing was going on. don wan her to worry..
.. as the feelin of being distant and plain grew stronger i could not take it..i have to get out my sit while she was leaning on his shoulder ..i just walked away..walking from those feelings and thoughts..just feel like throwing all away..and running away..she called and i got back to my sit..the pretendance starts again and till then my eyes betrayed me . She knew there was something wrong but i just want to smoke my feelings and watch the match because thats what she wants me to do...my feelings throughtout seems to be lost in the confusions questions and so many incertainties , insecurtity but i still understand all this reason for those things. every single day i put myself in her shoes ..trying to know her pain , the loneliness within her , wanting to share her problems , trying to how to make her be more happier...i got back then and she was msging..i took a peek and realise that her inbox..i've mistaken her. There was still my name in it ..although it was the first page only..there was one name of me in it..i really feel like apologising and blame myself all this..hai..but at the same time happy that at least that even there is just one msg among the 100 inbox..that belongs to me..mixed feelings again...till then i still don dare to tell her the feelings i felt between me and her..i really don wan to..
..after the match , she came to me..ask me what happen..i really don wanna tell and of course i was forced to..i don her to blame herself ..i don wan her to be unhappy ..she said that i'm foolish for sacrificing my time and hurting myself all this while just to let her have lesser worries..to let other people not to miss her..I know i am..but i just want her to have more time to see everyone closely so as coming making into the decision who she wants to be with it would be easier..also i don wan to worry her..i don wan people to get hurt..i get hurt is ok de..as long others don get ..stupid me..i agree with her..but thats just me ..BUT if she choose me things would be different..i would cherish her every single moment of my time and not choose to sacrifice for others..i would be FIRM..
throughout the conversation..she expected of what i wan to say ..and those thought that i actually think for her and put myself in her shoes all those days all was right all these while..i really understand what she going through..every single of it ..such as i already knew she's not that strong anymore from the past and so much more. I really do understand..sometimes i just blame myself because i cannot and don know how to help to solve those problems for her..that feeling hai..but i know she doesn't want me to think this way too..so i just hide those feelings again..I really do understand..
for nw..she told me not to worry her but thats impossible..likewise for both of us..told her to be happy..told her not to think and worry so much..look things step by step and see how it goes..as time goes by..the answer will come and the problems will solve slowly..don rush and stress oneself..(: ..see ..i still can manage a smile..thanks to people like jia ping and violet (lao ma) around..both of them cheers me up esp jia ping ..haha..she really is a happy fruit ( kai xing guo) and lao ma help my blog alot ..so patient and cheers me up alot also. I also endlessly tell myself to be happi also ^^. Want her to be happy too..at least try..so i just tried to be the "jia ping and violet" to her also..always smile..at least giving her something to smile about..people that see this pls smile wor!..smile can cure everything..hehe..i will try my best to smile ya..

i think what violet say is correct ..just prepare to accept any decision both me and her make ..although it is hard and it will hurt..thks violet and jia ping.

hong sheng thoughts end's here ^^

8:45 PM